So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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