The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
