he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
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my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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