I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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