Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
you made out with another girl for some wings
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
