i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
