I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
a search helicopter?!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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