I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
MIDGETS
????
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
