I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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