If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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