I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
