FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
