No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
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