rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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