I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
