WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
