My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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