I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
