butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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