Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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