best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
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Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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