I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
