I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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