my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
