I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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