Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
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Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
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I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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