Welp...herpes.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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