we have officially lost it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
