i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
