life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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