Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
