I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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