She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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