Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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