They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
