Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
