At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.