Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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