You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
