just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
