please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
