So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
