Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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