Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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