Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
