it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
