last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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