Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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