i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
