My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
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