dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We just shotgunned beers for America
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
