I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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