Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
