Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
