you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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