if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
