i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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