I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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